Final Four Fans in Detroit

So I'm casually checking out Ford Field's web page (this is where the Final Four is to be held this year, for those hiding under rocks) and in their Guest Code of Conduct guidelines, they claim, "Detroit Lions fans top the NFL in their enthusiasm, team support and sportsmanship."  I mean, I know the city has some good stuff.

Obviously there are good Detroit fans too, like, Kid Rock, 

and probably others, to name just a few. And oh yea, that guy who talks on NPR once in a while too, whatever his name is. 

Anyhow, I'm just saying, I have never heard the rumor that Lions fans "top" the NFL in "support" or "enthusiasm." Maybe the Michigan State fans will make up the difference and make it right again. (ouch, low blow to those blue/maize people!)

Fingerf***ing to the Final Four

(Above: is that a pom-pom in her hand, or did that cheerleader just finish off the mascot in a flourish of school colors?)

The field has cleared to a great extent, and yet the future remains shrouded in mystery. Most of us are out of the tournament, with points as follows:

Dustin: 6
Dan: 6
Billy: 5
Sean: 4
Sage: 3

Kirk, Brandon and Forrest are still alive thanks to UNC and Connecticut. Kirk and Billy have 6 points each, Forrest has only 4.

If UNC wins their Final Four matchup against Villanova, then Kirk and Brandon will be forced into a tiebreaker scenario. I don't feel like adding those numbers up right now, so I don't know who wins in that case. I think it's worth the anticipation though, because there are far more interesting tiebreakers available.

If UNC loses, Kirk and Brandon will be forced into a tiebreaker with Dustin and Dan and potentially Forrest as well if his UConn Huskies go the distance. That's WAY more math than I want to do right now, so I'm not even going to contemplate the hardships I may have designed for myself if such a nightmare basic math scenario as a five-way tie comes about. See the tiebreaker rules for the horrifying truth.

So I'll be pulling for UNC and rooting against UConn for purely selfish reasons, although the idea of a Villanova championship is appealing.

On the other hand... I felt pretty bad for giving Forrest such crappy picks after his epic first round 1-for-6, so the idea of being half-responsible for Forrhead's presence in the mix at the end of the tournament is appealing. I'm sure Kirk disagrees completely, but that's just because he only thinks of himself. I'm out of the tournament, so I am free to be gracious.

I was hoping to post the picture below after Memphis made the Final Four, but that didn't work out so well. But seriously: hottest cheerleader outfits of the tournament? Me thinky: yes.

Looking Up the Skirt of the Sweet Sixteen

After a wild four days in the Coleman bracket, almost all of us are still alive after Round 2. And almost all of us are tied. At the top of the league, it's Dustin and Dan with 5 points each. Dustin broke out of the first round with a league-topping 4 wins, then lost 3 of 4 games on Saturday. Dan came out of Round 1, but saw both his Pitt and Arizona teams reach the Sweet 16, making him the only contestant with more than one team left.

Tied at 4 points each are Kirk, Brandon, Billy and Sean. Each of us has one team left in the tournament, so all our hopes and dreams depend on who we picked for our top team. The same goes for Forrest, who is in last place but still alive.

Sage has 3 points after that monster Cinderella performance on Thursday and Friday, but all of his teams went down to defeat in Round 2, leaving him out of the tournament, but still potentially beating Forrest overall.

It has become clear that whoever picked the team that wins the tournament will be the One, Shining Coleman. Unless Forrest's Connecticut team wins it all, in which case he would have 6 wins, which somebody would probably be able to beat. Plus, he has to go through me in the Elite 8, and I don't see him stopping my mojo.

Just in case you didn't know, Christopher Walken twitters.

In honor of Forrest, bringing up the rear thanks to a bunch of really crappy picks by two of the people squarely in the middle of the pack, here's a picture of a UConn cheerleader:

Here's the handy-dandy chart for easy perusal:

Dan: 5 points. Remaining teams: Pitt, Arizona.
Dustin: 5 points. Remaining team: Louisville.
Sean: 4 points. Remaining team: Memphis.
Kirk: 4 points. Remaining team: North Carolina.
Brandon: 4 points. Remaining team: North Carolina.
Billy: 4 points. Remaining team: Pitt.
Sage: 3 points. Remaining team: none.
Forrest: 2 points. Remaining team: Connecticut.

Dan looks to be in the best shape, since he's got the most points and two possible routes to March glory. In fact, he could win the Coleman contest without either of his teams going all the way.

So the big family contest will be Dustin's Louisville vs. Dan's Arizona. This could be the match that defines the tournament.

First Round Results

The first round is over and so far it's neck-and-neck, except for Forrest who only has one team remaining. Dustin is in the lead with four points, followed by everyone else who has three.

Oh, and Forrest, who has one point. (Neither the Commissioner nor his toady intended to deal Forrest such a crappy hand--we tried to do that to Sage. Sorry, Forrest. Sage, best of luck with Cleveland State and Dayton.)

(As of this writing, Dustin has already lost a second round game, with Villanova killing UCLA by 20 points, so that paper-thin lead of his might just be evaporating. In commemmoration of Dustin's 2nd round loss, I've posted a picture of a UCLA cheerleader.)

For the record, here are the teams we've all got our hopes pinned on:

Sean: Memphis, Wisconsin, Texas A&M

Kirk: North Carolina, Arizona State, Texas A&M

Billy: Pitt, Maryland, Michigan

Dustin: Louisville, Maryland, Michigan

Dan: Pitt, Maryland, Arizona

Brandon: North Carolina, Siena, Western Kentucky

Sage: Washington, Dayton, Cleveland State

Forrest: Connecticut

GO BLUE!

First trip to the dance in 11 years, and they break through to the second round. Time to celebrate:

The Baracket is Posted

There was an attempted late entry into the Coleman family March Madness tournament, but someone failed to read the rules so we had to disqualify him. Here's his bracket anyway.

Honestly, I tried to find a way to keep him in our tournament. But I was thinking about the need for rules in society and I realized that some things are more important than having the leader of the free world involved in your family fantasy sports tournament. Things like law. And order. If the President thinks he can just waltz in here with his bracket and not follow the seeding rules, he's got another thing comin'. Can we allow the rule of law to be subverted, even in the tiniest of matters? No we can't.

For those of us left in the tournament, here are the teams we all picked:

There were some issues with the picks: Forrest's "internet went down" so the Commissioner and his toady picked his teams for him. We also picked Sage's teams, but that was a different story.

Oh, and I'm sorry about the whole extra half point theme thing. That turned out to be an unrealizable goal, given the small number of teams in the tournament and the needlessly complex other rules that forced us all to pick teams we really didn't want to pick. On balance, I think having a lot of teams way down the bracket makes the first two days of the tournament way more interesting than they would have been if we weren't required to invest so many picks in the potential cinderellas. (If that sentence didn't make any sense to you, you're not alone.) It was worth a try, and I am still pro-arbitrary, silly rules.

Don't forget to vote for Pedro 

A Key to Psychology? Thanks Alan.

Infinity in Geometry? Thanks Arthur.

Fractals, The Colors Of Infinity Part 1
Uploaded by anonymthinker

I guess the debate is now over.

Experts Agree Giant, Razor-Clawed Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat

Once you own one, you see them everywhere...

(special courtesy of Nick & Norah)

And, I guess I agree.

The real question is, how long do I need it for?

Yea... share the fun!

Say what? Challenge pissing!? Are you serious...

Did You Mean: Whaaaa?

Have you checked out Fancast.com yet? It's a central collecting point for TV shows on the internet. I may never pay for cable again.

Anyway, as you can see in the picture above, I did a search at fancast for "adult swim" and the fancast website had a helpful suggestion for what I might have wanted to see:

No, I really didn't mean: "adults blow," but now that you mention it...

I've never been more disappointed that a search result turned up The Simpsons.

March Madness! It's Awesome, Baby!

Yes, I got bored and changed the colors and layout around. I hated that green about a week after I created the blog. I also changed the blog title to reflect the new sport. Any ideas for something more permanent?

We're firing up the Coleman fantasy sports thing again, this time for the NCAA Tournament. I'll be your Commissioner for this one, which means I'm going to try to rig it so that I win. Fortunately for you, I suck at that.

Here are the rules:

6 picks overall, distributed as follows:

1 team: 1-4 seed

1 team: 5-8 seed

2 teams: 9-12 seed

2 teams: 13-16 seed

Then there are the stranger rules:

No two teams from the same conference.

No two teams from the same state.

Extra half-win overall for uniting all six teams under one theme. (For example: every team has the same color scheme, every mascot's a bird, every team has a "Johnson" in the starting five, every team has had players suspended this season for an NCAA infraction, etc. Final arbitration on the suitability of your theme idea is with the Commissioner, who has introduced himself already.) This means that even if all of your teams are wiped out in the first round, you'll still have half a point if you, say, can prove that Dick Vitale has managed to get through an entire television segment on each of your teams without using the word "baby." I don't actually believe those teams exist, but if you're that dedicated and can find them, I will personally buy you a Dick Vitale Alarm Clock in appreciation of your awesomeness, even if you end the tournament with only half a win.

The point is, the randomer the connection, the more your Commissioner will like it. Also, the larger the bribe, the more your Commissioner will like it. So a theme such as, "each school had $20 donated on its behalf to the Sean Nelson Economic Stimulus Fund" would definitely get you that extra half point. Plus, you might be able to deduct it on your taxes.

Scoring is simple:

1 point for every win.

Most points wins.

In case of a tie, winner goes to the player with the most total offensive points scored. 2nd tiebreaker goes to biggest point differential (total points minus total opposing team points). 3rd tiebreaker goes to me.

Just kidding about the 3rd tiebreaker. We'll probably have to get the Supreme Court involved to settle that one.

Last but not least: Sage's teams are picked for him, whether he likes it or not.

***Important Note***

Selection Sunday is March 15, with the tournament begining March 19, so you'll have a window of a little more than three days to get your picks in. Don't flake on me. Send them to me, seannelson AT gmail DOT com or leave them in the comments to this post. Also, if you want to post here and you're not one of the names in that box up at the top left*, email me and I'll get you started.

Prizes have not yet been determined.

If everyone gets wiped out early, feel free to suggest a way to salvage the contest. Also, if someone runs away with it early, we'll have a second tournament or something. Or maybe just a "hottest cheerleader picture from one of the schools I picked" contest with bonus points if she was ever kicked off a squad for doing porn. Or a "Separated at Birth?" contest featuring one of your mascots and a celebrity, like this one I just made because the idea sounded funny:

You know, something stupid like that.

* By "that box up at the top left," I of course mean "that box up at the top right." I know you want a Commissioner who knows his right from his left, and I'm dedicated to making sure you have that as often as possible. Back when I lived in Arizona, I could see Mexico from my house; so I also have foreign policy experience. When, it occurs to me, will Sarah Palin jokes no longer be current? Has it happened already? Do I need to stop?

Well, now that you mention it...

Is it is a sad day in America when just google'ing around for say, "cherry pie" and the first thing you get is Warrant's undisputed biggest hit. What if I wanted to you know... gift one, you know, a pie to someone? I would be ultra offended.

And how much fun can be had with auto-robo-speech? I may or may not certainly ever be one to say for sure, but I'm still trying to find out.

And now, live... from Tokyo!!

...and four years later, live from Tokyo!!! (just cheesier)

They were huge. 

But I think perhaps these dudes ruled the mid-to-late 80's. 

"Celebratory" Gatoradeboarding

Who knew T.J. Houshmandzadeh was Iranian? Somehow that information escaped me.

Anyway, he might get himself released from Gitmo now that President Obama is closing it down. A tale of courage in a dark time:

Over the next week Houshmandzadeh was interrogated at least twice daily, with the exception of one 24-hour period—he believes it was Saturday, although sleep deprivation and frequent electrical shocks made it difficult for him to determine the passage of time—spent in the facility's infirmary. On Sunday the questioning sessions began again, culminating in interrogators informing him that his team had beaten the Kansas City Chiefs 16-6 and subjecting Houshmandzadeh to a "celebratory" Gatoradeboarding.

Other NFL players, however, may never see the light of day:

"I'm one of the lucky ones," Houshmandzadeh said softly. "Muhsin Muhammad was rushed to the infirmary last week and he still hasn't been back. Rashaan Salaam hasn't been heard from in years.

Let's hope he's back on the field next year, taking bombs deep into defensive settlements with explosive speed.

Bottoms Up!

A fan's guide to the team you've always been wise to ignore:

Do you guys have any history? The Eagles have never won the Super Bowl. What's on the line historically here? Who is considered the greatest (post-Chicago) Cardinal of all time? Is there anyone particularly beloved who might do the coin flip to a raucous crowd?

As mentioned before, the Cardinals' history is a endless succession of dreadful, irrelevant seasons, both in Arizona and in St. Louis. But, for the sake of discussion, considering everyone else other than me who grew up or lives near St. Louis moved on from the Buzzsaw years ago, let's stick with the last two decades in Arizona.

The most popular player is, without question, Pat Tillman, but he's sadly not making any guest appearances. (There's a statue of him outside the stadium.) The only other post-St. Louis Cardinal to make the Pink Taco's Ring of Fame is Aeneas Williams; it wouldn't surprise me to see him make an appearance Sunday. As you might suspect, he had only one winning season in a decade at Sun Devil Stadium.

But history, as a team? Losing, losing, losing, with few fans around to witness it. With the Buzzsaw's win over Carolina, there is now only one team in the NFL that has never reached its conference's championship game in the Super Bowl era: The Houston Texans. (Even the Lions have made one, back in the 1991-92 season.)

Which is one of the reasons I'll be rooting for the Cardinals this weekend, despite the fact that they put one of the coolest examples of sportsfan superstition ever in jeopardy. Thankfully, cooler... hips?... prevailed. I also think it's cool that the Cardinals' new stadium is called the "Pink Taco" by fans who still rue the day an innocent chain of Mexican restaurants was denied their constitutional right to name a stadium after their corporation. Beats the hell out of "M&T Bank Stadium" and "McAfee Coliseum," to say nothing of "Enron Field."

Now I understand that scene in Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay! It was a Panther fans' gameday party! If you don't know what I'm talking about, check out this report which, confirming all "the end of the world is nigh" predictions, actually exists. I haven't seen such a fine example of journalistic professionalism since yesterday!

Like Olbermann, but Not as Smart or Funny

The Attorney General of Utah is investigating the BCS for a violation of antitrust laws because the Utes didn't have any opportunity to vie for the national championship, despite going undefeated for the third time since the BCS system was put in place.

Who can honestly say the system isn't rigged to ensure that the Floridas and Oklahomas and Texases and USCses and Ohio Stateses will always have a monopoly on a shot at the national title?

I bet Congressman Cliff Stearns (Republic*nt-FL) would say it and believe it. He wants to close down Congress so he can go to a football game. What did he expect Nancy Pelosi to say when he asked for the day off? "Sure Cliff, that's cool. Nothing big going on that day. I'll just sign your absence slip so you can show it to the Hall Monitor if you get into any trouble."

Pelosi's office said she would not agree to the request. Among the votes to be considered Thursday afternoon is certification of the Electoral College vote that gives Barack Obama the presidency.

I've been dreaming of that day for years. No Skoal-chewing southern Republican is going to deprive me of that largely symbolic moment so he can watch his Gaters play for their birthright!

Screw you, slacker! I'm with the Homormonophobes on this one!

How cool would it be if the whole system flipped and we had a few years of Boise St. vs. Marshall National Championship Games? That would be the death of some of the storied football schools, because the system can only ever support so many good teams. A big school has a couple of bad seasons and there goes their recruiting. All of a sudden the best prospect in the Michigan wants to go to Eastern Michigan instead, and college boys in Texas dream of becoming a Horny Toad.

There go your Wolverines, Dustin. You're a UCF guy anyway, aren't you? Just to make you feel better, I put a picture at the top of a Knight Riders cheerleader about to give birth.

Vs. Sage

Since Sage's picks were designed to land him at the bottom of the league, I thought it might be a good use of my wee small hours of insomnia to how each of us fared against Sage in head-to-head battles throughout the season. I wanted to see if performance vs. the bottom of the league was related to overall record, but then I realized that statistical cross-analysis is something that I don't know how to do. No problem, since there doesn't seem to be a relationship there anyway. But I ran the numbers, so I might as well post them.

Here's the breakdown:

Kirk: 6-0
Dustin: 3-0
Billy: 2-2
Sean: 1-2
Brandon: 1-2

Which makes Sage 6-13 against the rest of us, just slightly worse than any of us did against him. So we've got that going for us.

So congratulations go out to Commissioner Kirk for winning something at least.

**UPDATE** I was going to check how the rest of us did against rest of the league, but trying to figure out how to score Dustin's inverted Lions points against my Vikings and Colts, not to mention his Colts, was too much for my addled brain. We may never know with mathematical certainty how ourDD went from 4th to 1st in the final weeks.