Fingerf***ing to the Final Four

(Above: is that a pom-pom in her hand, or did that cheerleader just finish off the mascot in a flourish of school colors?)

The field has cleared to a great extent, and yet the future remains shrouded in mystery. Most of us are out of the tournament, with points as follows:

Dustin: 6
Dan: 6
Billy: 5
Sean: 4
Sage: 3

Kirk, Brandon and Forrest are still alive thanks to UNC and Connecticut. Kirk and Billy have 6 points each, Forrest has only 4.

If UNC wins their Final Four matchup against Villanova, then Kirk and Brandon will be forced into a tiebreaker scenario. I don't feel like adding those numbers up right now, so I don't know who wins in that case. I think it's worth the anticipation though, because there are far more interesting tiebreakers available.

If UNC loses, Kirk and Brandon will be forced into a tiebreaker with Dustin and Dan and potentially Forrest as well if his UConn Huskies go the distance. That's WAY more math than I want to do right now, so I'm not even going to contemplate the hardships I may have designed for myself if such a nightmare basic math scenario as a five-way tie comes about. See the tiebreaker rules for the horrifying truth.

So I'll be pulling for UNC and rooting against UConn for purely selfish reasons, although the idea of a Villanova championship is appealing.

On the other hand... I felt pretty bad for giving Forrest such crappy picks after his epic first round 1-for-6, so the idea of being half-responsible for Forrhead's presence in the mix at the end of the tournament is appealing. I'm sure Kirk disagrees completely, but that's just because he only thinks of himself. I'm out of the tournament, so I am free to be gracious.

I was hoping to post the picture below after Memphis made the Final Four, but that didn't work out so well. But seriously: hottest cheerleader outfits of the tournament? Me thinky: yes.

March Madness! It's Awesome, Baby!

Yes, I got bored and changed the colors and layout around. I hated that green about a week after I created the blog. I also changed the blog title to reflect the new sport. Any ideas for something more permanent?

We're firing up the Coleman fantasy sports thing again, this time for the NCAA Tournament. I'll be your Commissioner for this one, which means I'm going to try to rig it so that I win. Fortunately for you, I suck at that.

Here are the rules:

6 picks overall, distributed as follows:

1 team: 1-4 seed

1 team: 5-8 seed

2 teams: 9-12 seed

2 teams: 13-16 seed

Then there are the stranger rules:

No two teams from the same conference.

No two teams from the same state.

Extra half-win overall for uniting all six teams under one theme. (For example: every team has the same color scheme, every mascot's a bird, every team has a "Johnson" in the starting five, every team has had players suspended this season for an NCAA infraction, etc. Final arbitration on the suitability of your theme idea is with the Commissioner, who has introduced himself already.) This means that even if all of your teams are wiped out in the first round, you'll still have half a point if you, say, can prove that Dick Vitale has managed to get through an entire television segment on each of your teams without using the word "baby." I don't actually believe those teams exist, but if you're that dedicated and can find them, I will personally buy you a Dick Vitale Alarm Clock in appreciation of your awesomeness, even if you end the tournament with only half a win.

The point is, the randomer the connection, the more your Commissioner will like it. Also, the larger the bribe, the more your Commissioner will like it. So a theme such as, "each school had $20 donated on its behalf to the Sean Nelson Economic Stimulus Fund" would definitely get you that extra half point. Plus, you might be able to deduct it on your taxes.

Scoring is simple:

1 point for every win.

Most points wins.

In case of a tie, winner goes to the player with the most total offensive points scored. 2nd tiebreaker goes to biggest point differential (total points minus total opposing team points). 3rd tiebreaker goes to me.

Just kidding about the 3rd tiebreaker. We'll probably have to get the Supreme Court involved to settle that one.

Last but not least: Sage's teams are picked for him, whether he likes it or not.

***Important Note***

Selection Sunday is March 15, with the tournament begining March 19, so you'll have a window of a little more than three days to get your picks in. Don't flake on me. Send them to me, seannelson AT gmail DOT com or leave them in the comments to this post. Also, if you want to post here and you're not one of the names in that box up at the top left*, email me and I'll get you started.

Prizes have not yet been determined.

If everyone gets wiped out early, feel free to suggest a way to salvage the contest. Also, if someone runs away with it early, we'll have a second tournament or something. Or maybe just a "hottest cheerleader picture from one of the schools I picked" contest with bonus points if she was ever kicked off a squad for doing porn. Or a "Separated at Birth?" contest featuring one of your mascots and a celebrity, like this one I just made because the idea sounded funny:

You know, something stupid like that.

* By "that box up at the top left," I of course mean "that box up at the top right." I know you want a Commissioner who knows his right from his left, and I'm dedicated to making sure you have that as often as possible. Back when I lived in Arizona, I could see Mexico from my house; so I also have foreign policy experience. When, it occurs to me, will Sarah Palin jokes no longer be current? Has it happened already? Do I need to stop?

Kirk's Halvsies

So, what do we do about the Kirk's team this week? Does he get half a point? No points, because his team didn't win? A full point, because his team didn't lose? A full point, because it's not like Kirk's running away with this thing anyway? No points, because his team tied with the freaking Bengals of all teams? God, at least have the decency to split the difference with a team that could definitely compete in NCAA Division 1! This is a conundrum. A quandary. A dilemma. A... difficult thing to figure out.

My vote is for the half point. That way, Kirk's record will show that there was something weird going on. Then, when future researchers look into it, they'll find that one of the teams he picked tied to a team that ended the season 1-14-1. Then they will laugh at him, though he be long gone from this world. And in that moment, future and past will be united, their laughter joining mine. And possibly the rest of ours, Kirk's included.

I mean, who the hell can't beat the Bengals? Certainly none of the teams the rest of us picked! (If that statement jinxed Billy's Steelers and/or Brandon's and Dustin's Colts, so much the better. None of my teams are facing the Bengals later this season, and I am all about bringing the kismet.)