Well, now that you mention it...

Is it is a sad day in America when just google'ing around for say, "cherry pie" and the first thing you get is Warrant's undisputed biggest hit. What if I wanted to you know... gift one, you know, a pie to someone? I would be ultra offended.

And how much fun can be had with auto-robo-speech? I may or may not certainly ever be one to say for sure, but I'm still trying to find out.

And now, live... from Tokyo!!

...and four years later, live from Tokyo!!! (just cheesier)

They were huge. 

But I think perhaps these dudes ruled the mid-to-late 80's. 

"Celebratory" Gatoradeboarding

Who knew T.J. Houshmandzadeh was Iranian? Somehow that information escaped me.

Anyway, he might get himself released from Gitmo now that President Obama is closing it down. A tale of courage in a dark time:

Over the next week Houshmandzadeh was interrogated at least twice daily, with the exception of one 24-hour period—he believes it was Saturday, although sleep deprivation and frequent electrical shocks made it difficult for him to determine the passage of time—spent in the facility's infirmary. On Sunday the questioning sessions began again, culminating in interrogators informing him that his team had beaten the Kansas City Chiefs 16-6 and subjecting Houshmandzadeh to a "celebratory" Gatoradeboarding.

Other NFL players, however, may never see the light of day:

"I'm one of the lucky ones," Houshmandzadeh said softly. "Muhsin Muhammad was rushed to the infirmary last week and he still hasn't been back. Rashaan Salaam hasn't been heard from in years.

Let's hope he's back on the field next year, taking bombs deep into defensive settlements with explosive speed.

Bottoms Up!

A fan's guide to the team you've always been wise to ignore:

Do you guys have any history? The Eagles have never won the Super Bowl. What's on the line historically here? Who is considered the greatest (post-Chicago) Cardinal of all time? Is there anyone particularly beloved who might do the coin flip to a raucous crowd?

As mentioned before, the Cardinals' history is a endless succession of dreadful, irrelevant seasons, both in Arizona and in St. Louis. But, for the sake of discussion, considering everyone else other than me who grew up or lives near St. Louis moved on from the Buzzsaw years ago, let's stick with the last two decades in Arizona.

The most popular player is, without question, Pat Tillman, but he's sadly not making any guest appearances. (There's a statue of him outside the stadium.) The only other post-St. Louis Cardinal to make the Pink Taco's Ring of Fame is Aeneas Williams; it wouldn't surprise me to see him make an appearance Sunday. As you might suspect, he had only one winning season in a decade at Sun Devil Stadium.

But history, as a team? Losing, losing, losing, with few fans around to witness it. With the Buzzsaw's win over Carolina, there is now only one team in the NFL that has never reached its conference's championship game in the Super Bowl era: The Houston Texans. (Even the Lions have made one, back in the 1991-92 season.)

Which is one of the reasons I'll be rooting for the Cardinals this weekend, despite the fact that they put one of the coolest examples of sportsfan superstition ever in jeopardy. Thankfully, cooler... hips?... prevailed. I also think it's cool that the Cardinals' new stadium is called the "Pink Taco" by fans who still rue the day an innocent chain of Mexican restaurants was denied their constitutional right to name a stadium after their corporation. Beats the hell out of "M&T Bank Stadium" and "McAfee Coliseum," to say nothing of "Enron Field."

Now I understand that scene in Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay! It was a Panther fans' gameday party! If you don't know what I'm talking about, check out this report which, confirming all "the end of the world is nigh" predictions, actually exists. I haven't seen such a fine example of journalistic professionalism since yesterday!

Like Olbermann, but Not as Smart or Funny

The Attorney General of Utah is investigating the BCS for a violation of antitrust laws because the Utes didn't have any opportunity to vie for the national championship, despite going undefeated for the third time since the BCS system was put in place.

Who can honestly say the system isn't rigged to ensure that the Floridas and Oklahomas and Texases and USCses and Ohio Stateses will always have a monopoly on a shot at the national title?

I bet Congressman Cliff Stearns (Republic*nt-FL) would say it and believe it. He wants to close down Congress so he can go to a football game. What did he expect Nancy Pelosi to say when he asked for the day off? "Sure Cliff, that's cool. Nothing big going on that day. I'll just sign your absence slip so you can show it to the Hall Monitor if you get into any trouble."

Pelosi's office said she would not agree to the request. Among the votes to be considered Thursday afternoon is certification of the Electoral College vote that gives Barack Obama the presidency.

I've been dreaming of that day for years. No Skoal-chewing southern Republican is going to deprive me of that largely symbolic moment so he can watch his Gaters play for their birthright!

Screw you, slacker! I'm with the Homormonophobes on this one!

How cool would it be if the whole system flipped and we had a few years of Boise St. vs. Marshall National Championship Games? That would be the death of some of the storied football schools, because the system can only ever support so many good teams. A big school has a couple of bad seasons and there goes their recruiting. All of a sudden the best prospect in the Michigan wants to go to Eastern Michigan instead, and college boys in Texas dream of becoming a Horny Toad.

There go your Wolverines, Dustin. You're a UCF guy anyway, aren't you? Just to make you feel better, I put a picture at the top of a Knight Riders cheerleader about to give birth.

Vs. Sage

Since Sage's picks were designed to land him at the bottom of the league, I thought it might be a good use of my wee small hours of insomnia to how each of us fared against Sage in head-to-head battles throughout the season. I wanted to see if performance vs. the bottom of the league was related to overall record, but then I realized that statistical cross-analysis is something that I don't know how to do. No problem, since there doesn't seem to be a relationship there anyway. But I ran the numbers, so I might as well post them.

Here's the breakdown:

Kirk: 6-0
Dustin: 3-0
Billy: 2-2
Sean: 1-2
Brandon: 1-2

Which makes Sage 6-13 against the rest of us, just slightly worse than any of us did against him. So we've got that going for us.

So congratulations go out to Commissioner Kirk for winning something at least.

**UPDATE** I was going to check how the rest of us did against rest of the league, but trying to figure out how to score Dustin's inverted Lions points against my Vikings and Colts, not to mention his Colts, was too much for my addled brain. We may never know with mathematical certainty how ourDD went from 4th to 1st in the final weeks.